Thomas Peterson for Mayor

Throw me a bone

2008-04-12T13:30:00.002-05:00

Nylabone
Originally uploaded by spleenboy.

I'll take it, and I'll like it.

Well, after a long vacation I'm back in good form. I got a lot of sun and had time to reflect on my failed bid for Anoka mayor. I've been spending a lot of time reading books, such as "Don't Pee on the Floor" and "Stop Chewing on That," and I realized that my bad manners may have had an impact on my campaign. Maybe, I thought, people do care if you haven't bathed in three months or haven't brushed your teeth in a week.

I guess I have a lot to learn if I want to get into politics.

On a Lighter Note

2006-11-10T21:48:00.000-06:00

A dog friend sent me this funny comic. If it weren't for the curly tail, I'd swear this was a picture of me.

toothpastefordinner.com

Concession

2006-11-10T21:46:00.000-06:00

I guess I should get off of my tail-less butt and write a concession entry. That's right. I lost. Bjorn won. Boo hoo. I guess the world isn't ready for a French Bulldog mayor yet. Maybe my shadow campaign wasn't such a great strategy after all. I did get at least three votes, though, and there's always next year.

Taking Time

2006-10-29T21:12:00.001-06:00

With nine days to go until elections, I have been getting less sleep than usual. Every once in a while, though, I crash for a few hours. Dare I say cat nap?

Boo!

2006-10-28T10:47:00.001-05:00

Are you ready for Halloween? I am!

Concentration

2006-10-26T21:39:00.001-05:00

I've been so preoccupied with the other aspects of my mayoral bid that I neglected my favorite part - you and this blog. My campaign for mayor of Anoka is in full heat and it has required all of the concentration I can muster to stay on top of everything. I've noticed lately that I concentrate with such intensity that I will stick my tongue out, like Michael Jordan.

Well, I sure hope that my campaign is a slam dunk. In case my two opponents, Bjorn and Steve, decide to put up a fight, I need to be prepared. The yard sign war is hot and heavy now, as Bjorn has decided to join the fray.

I've watched from the sidelines, continuing to use my shadow campaign strategy. The longer my opponents are ignorant of my participation, the better my chances are of surprising them on election day and winning the race.

I like to think of myself as a ninja politician. Stealthy. Cunning. Good with nunchucks.

Thank You For Your Support

2006-10-09T22:00:00.000-05:00

One of my strongest supporters, in a show of confidence, sent me a new dog chain a few days ago. It heartens me to receive such a token, and I proudly wear it whenever I attend public functions.

Most don't see it, though. I guess it's similar to a pair of lucky underwear. People don't notice that I'm wearing it, but I know, and that gives me strength.

My Heroes

2006-10-08T22:03:00.001-05:00

Originally uploaded by jude.

The popularity of the new television show, Heroes, is misguided. Little do you humans know, but we canines have already learned to harness powers hidden deep in our biological gene sequences. Some dogs, in fact, can fly.

Runway

2006-10-02T21:42:00.000-05:00

I love bookshelves. It's not the books or the shelves that I love per se. It's what bookshelves can do to the messy basement in campaign headquarters that I love. My basement used to be a disaster - campaign files everywhere, old receipts, long-lost doggie toys - but I put my paw down. Enough was enough.

I assigned two of my campaign aides the task of organizing my basement. Their solution involved the implementation of numerous bookcases. Now the basement is clear, and I can run off some of the built-up stress that my campaign bid generates. See, the basement is carpeted, and we all know that carpeting is a dog's best friend.

Appreciation

2006-09-27T22:38:00.001-05:00

Appreciation

The summer warmth is gone, but there are still a few good days of sunshine left. Anoka comes to life in the autumn, though, so I won't miss badly the dog days of summer. Being the Halloween Capital of the World, Anoka knows what's what when it comes to celebrating the fall season.

With Halloween approaching, I need to choose a costume. Any suggestions? I thought about going as Batman, but is that too cliche?

Weight Management Biscuits

2006-09-26T22:03:00.000-05:00

My diet has been heretofore successful, but the campaign dietician has discovered a new means by which to torture me. He has replaced all of my doggie biscuits with "weight management canine wafers." What gives? Must I sacrifice all guilty pleasures for my mayoral campaign?

These new biscuits are dry, crunchy, and nearly tasteless. I guess I can't complain, though. My feet still touch the ground when I lay on my stomach.

Butts

2006-09-23T23:20:00.000-05:00

The business of campaign season is making it difficult for me to keep up with my blog, and I must apologize. I've been active in the community, sniffing out opportunities for spreading my message and marking the town. Just this morning, I was out pounding the pavement on Mainstreet, handing out Thomas Peterson for Mayor pamphlets and pointing out all of the discarded cigarette butts on the sidewalk.

Maybe you tall smokers don't notice all of those little smokie turds that you toss on the ground, but I do. It's one of the few disadvantages of being short. It makes me sad to see so many butts on the ground.

I'm usually a huge fan of butts, but not these kind. They are very misleading. When I see a bit of something on the ground, I get excited. Could it be a biscuit? Or perhaps a smidgen of peanut butter? Alas, 'tis but a cigarette butt.

Sigh.

Dear smokers, do you realize how many dogs you disappoint by throwing your spent cigarettes to the ground?

Guests

2006-09-20T22:42:00.000-05:00

Having guests over to campaign headquarters is always a delight, especially when they know where to scratch behind my ears. Another bonus is that guests don't know the rules about sneaking food to me under the table. Ha!

A Leg Up

2006-09-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

As a courtesy to the other candidates for mayor of Anoka, I would like to link to their web sites. I've searched tirelessly around the Internet for the last five minutes. Although I did find Bjorn's email address, I can't find a web site for either Bjorn Skogquist or Steve Schmidt.

Well fellow candidates, like the dog said to the fire hydrant: it looks like I've got a leg up on you.

Part Timer

2006-09-18T21:08:00.000-05:00

One of my campaign aides began a new part-time job recently, and I've decided to adopt her new schedule. Why didn't I think of this sooner? I've been so busy lately, preparing my campaign, walking, napping, cleaning the floors, etc. Being mayor of Anoka is a part-time position, and I need to prepare mentally for the change in pace. The sudden shift from full-time to part-time worrying and working was difficult at first, but I'm adjusting.

Argh! I'm a Pirate

2006-09-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

Somedays, I like to pretend I'm a pirate. I call myself Captain Shortnose, and I stagger around campaign headquarters shouting orders and cursing profusely. I think it's funny, and my campaign aides tolerate it because if they didn't, I'd make them walk the plank.

Driver's Ed

2006-09-13T22:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I tried to vote yesterday. My little old man costume didn't fool anyone. A nice lady at the door asked to see some identification. I asked what kind and if a certified pedigree certificate was suitable. She said no, but if I had a driver's license that would be sufficient. I asked her if she was crazy - did I look like I could drive. She sized me up and paused. No, I suppose not, she said. So, without a driver's license or a passport, I was turned away.

That's okay, though, because the primaries don't include voting for mayor. I have plenty of time to get my behind-the-wheel training before the real election.

Vote!

2006-09-11T22:07:00.000-05:00

Honor the men and women who defend your country. Honor your rights as an American. Honor the lives lost in the name of freedom. Vote!

Tomorrow is the day of primary elections. If you're an Anokan who's unsure where to go to vote, look it up. I'm not sure if they allow dogs to vote yet, so I'm going to dress up like a short old man, but if you're a human, you shouldn't need to worry about what to wear.

Rainy Day Napping

2006-09-10T22:24:00.000-05:00

It was a wet day all day today. Some of my campaign aides complain about the smell if I am outside too long in the rain. Out of respect for their wishes, I stayed inside most of the day. Instead of walking the campaign trail, I just took longer naps. I'm flexible that way.

Roll On Another One

2006-09-09T23:45:00.000-05:00

It's important to spend time outside enjoying nature. Anoka has many enjoyable parks to explore, but sometimes my favorite spot is right outside campaign headquarters. You'd be amazed at all of the stinky items to be found just beyond the back door.

People often ask me why dogs like to roll around on dead animals and other filth. I can't speak for others, but I prefer that fresh smell to bottled fragrance. Plus, it's cheaper than cologne and environmentally friendly.

Download This

2006-09-09T00:16:00.000-05:00

Amazon.con announced a new service this week that I'm excited about. I spend a lot of time home on the computer, working on my campaign. When I'm not composing speeches or trading stocks, I like to watch movies. Before, when I wanted to watch a movie like the Matrix (I know it's a silly movie, but I like the cat), I had no choice but to use a DVD. Now, because of Amazon.con's Unbox Video Downloads, I have a choice. I can either buy the DVD, which includes several special features, a little fold-out insert, and a shiny disc for $10 and watch it wherever and whenever I want. Or, I could download the movie (just the movie - no extras or fancy fold-out insert) for those same $10 and watch it on my tiny 15" monitor.

Wow.

What a deal.

I'm No Great Dane

2006-09-07T22:19:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel very short. If I think about this from the proper perspective, however, I realize this is not a disadvantage.

If you are trying to hide something up your sleeves, for example, I can tell. I also know whether you bathe your feet regularly and whether your nose hairs need trimming. Being low to the ground means that I have a low center of gravity, so I don't tip over easily. I can turn on a dime, and eating food off the floor is as easy as breathing deeply.

With television and the Internet, height doesn't matter as much as it used to in politics. Why, with the proper camera angle, I can look downright stately. Viewers will ask, is that a Great Dane running for mayor?

But I'm no Marmaduke. I'm smaller, leaner, and smarter, and I hope to be your choice for the next mayor of Anoka.

Turning up the Crockpot

2006-09-06T21:34:00.000-05:00

My staff and I are back from an extended weekend vacation, and I'm ready to fling myself headlong into the campaign fray. Even though my offices were closed for the Labor Day holiday, I couldn't stop thinking about work. The political crockpot in Anoka is heating up.

Because of the number of candidates, the city may require a primary election for city counsel slots this year. As long as I can remember (two and a half years, although those first few months are fuzzy), Anoka has held a primary election for city counsel. That's crazy talk, you may say, but it's true.

Why are there so many politically involved Anokans? Is it something in the water? It could be. If you asked me before I started drinking Anoka water if I would ever want to run for public office, I would have barked in your face. Or maybe it's because of the Anoka Halloween parades. Everyone knows a parade is the best way to encourage blind patriotism.

Whatever the reason, it's an exciting place to live if you're involved in local politics, especially when you're a dog.

Remember the Dogs

2006-09-01T06:34:00.000-05:00

An open letter to all grafitti artists.

I can sympathize with your instinctual desire to mark territory. Sometimes the urge to lift your leg is too strong to resist, especially when you're in a pet store and some punk chihuahua tries to claim the dog food aisle as his own - even though he knows there's no way his scrawny ten pound frame would stand a chance against a bulldog like me. (I digress.)

Dear grafitti artists, please, when facing the urge to tag a building or wall, remember the dogs. We may mark, but, as a courtesy, we always leave room for others. You should ask yourself, if I mark with paint, is there room for others to also share? The answer, obviously, is no.

Instead of a can of spraypaint, why not try using your body odor? Rub your armpit on the wall. You can satisfy the marking urge but still remain courteous to others.

Better yet, put your marking tendencies to even an more constructive endeavor and run for public office.

World Peazzzzz...

2006-08-29T22:13:00.000-05:00

I must confess. Instead of working on my campaign posters, I took a long nap. When I woke up, I was too tired from napping to call some of my supporters, so instead I took a nap. Some of you may object that a candidate for mayor of Anoka should be doing more to promote himself, that I should be out walking the streets, giving speeches and making guest appearances at local coffee shops. I would argue differently. Imagine a world in which all of you humans took a long nap every day. You would be happier and friendlier, drive more attentively, and drink less coffee.

So when I nap, I'm not being lazy. I'm contributing to the movement for world peace.

Dog Prison?

2006-08-28T22:16:00.000-05:00

Another reason to vote for me:

According to recent figures, more than two million American citizens currently live in a prison, which is approximately one in every 142 people. How many dogs do you think go to jail? That's right. None!

Signs of the Time

2006-08-27T22:42:00.000-05:00

Many of my campaign staff travelled to the Minnesota State Fair today. I opted to stay behind to work on my campaign. The election season is upon us, and signs of it are sprouting in front yards across Anoka. It looks like this year it will be a three-way election.

Both Steve Schmidt and Bjorn Skogquist (current mayor) will run against one another again, and I will join them in the fray. As is his custom, Bjorn has decided not to distribute lawn signs this early in the campaign under the belief that by the time elections roll around, everyone is so sick of the hype, that they vote against those who advertise most.

Bjorn's a wise dude, and I may adopt his strategy. Still, the idea of hundreds of signs sticking in Anokan's yards with my name on them is very appealing. Signs can be an effective means of communicating a message, as this photograph shows. So maybe I'll go the Steve Schmidt route and blitz the city with flyers, brochures, and yard signs. I haven't decided yet.

Hail Anoka

2006-08-24T22:40:00.000-05:00

Today I supervised a moving sale in a town just south of Anoka. I lent my supervisory skills to a campaign supporter in exchange for the opportunity to practice some of my new political catch phrases, such as "It's time for a change instead of another surcharge" and "You scratch my back, and I'll lower your taxes."

When I returned to Anoka, rumors reached my bat ears that a large storm had passed through town. Hail the size of golf balls, I heard. Many of the Mainstreet shopfront windows broke, as well as numerous car windshields. I wish I had been here for the hail. Imagine, thousands of little balls of ice falling like candy from the sky! Only, I guess it would hurt coming down.

We Anokans shouldn't be complaining about a few broken windows, though. In the south metro tornadoes wreaked havoc, destroying homes and injuring several people. One man from Kasota died. I'd like to extend my sympathy for anyone whose lives were affected by the storms tonight.

An Exhausting Game of Tag

2006-08-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

It looks like I've been tagged again. This time, by Johann, an agility dog. It's not very fair since Johann is so much more speedy than me, and now that I'm almost three, I've noticed that my stamina isn't what it used to be when I was two. Still, what I lack in speed I make up for in girth.

2006-08-22T22:23:00.000-05:00

I am a dog with a mission. I look ahead and upward, with my sights set on the lofty goal of becoming mayor of Anoka. I know that for a dog, this is a daunting task. I could be sniffing butts and chewing on sticks, but instead I'm shaking hands and chewing the fat with the voters. I am unfazed. With your open-minded support, we can all work toward a better city, a better country, and a better world.

Lick o' Rice

2006-08-21T22:03:00.000-05:00

While my chauffeur drove me around town this weekend, I discovered a new delight. You humans call it licorice, and I know why. It's fun to lick! My designated campaign aide booster seat allowed me to sample one of the Red Vine licorice strands she was eating, and it was love at first taste.

I am still on a diet, however, so I did not bite. It's actually a nice diet in that respect. I can lick whatever I want and as long as I don't eat it, I'm still within bounds. According to this diet, anything I lick off the kitchen floor is acceptable. Butter off of corn is okay, too, and best of all...ice cream! Okay, my personal trainer hasn't yet budged on the ice cream, but I'm working on it. You'd be amazed at my powers of persuasion.

Staring at Doors

2006-08-19T09:16:00.000-05:00

I stare at doors. Sometimes if I stare long enough, the door opens. I think I have magical powers, or maybe it's my political influence. If I'm elected mayor of Anoka, I promise to stare at the doors of social and economic opportunity until they open.

Upgrading My Life

2006-08-18T23:32:00.000-05:00

I decided to upgrade my Blogger blog to the new Google Beta version. I couldn't consider myself a decent progressive liberal conservative independent political candidate if I didn't. I haven't had a chance to paw around in the new features, though.

"Beta" seems to be a popular word lately. I think it's just you humans learning to deal with the fact that you're always going to be making mistakes. We dogs knew that a long time ago. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to pee on a fire hydrant and ended up getting my back leg wet instead. Countless.

In the spirit of progress, however, I've decided to release a new version of myself: Thomas Peterson 2.0 (Beta). This version includes many new features, such as faster response time to commands, a large scratch disk allocation, and bigger bat ears.

Kentucky Fried Computer

2006-08-17T22:51:00.000-05:00

Kentucky Fried Computer

It's amazing how much I rely on a computer, even as a dog. When it gives up the ghost, everything seems to fall apart. Then I remind myself that I'm a dog, and I go for a run in the yard and roll around on a dead bird.

Tag

2006-08-16T22:06:00.000-05:00

It seems that I've been tagged twice. It's a little game bloggers play, and though I am a serious political candidate for Anoka's mayor, I'm not above a little fun. The rules of tagging are easy. I tell you netizens five weird things or habits about myself, and then tag five other bloggers. Those bloggers do the same, then tag five more people. It's the blog version of a chain letter.

Despite having already confessed many of my foibles, I still have at least five more things I can address.

1) Brooms freak me out for no good reason. Whenever I see a broom, I run out of the room - and not just because it rhymes. Maybe it's because I see a broom so infrequently at campaign headquarters.

2) I like to steal toilet paper rolls from the bathroom trash bin and shred them to bits.

3) When I ride shotgun in my campaign car, I always put my right paw out the window. My chauffeur insists that I look like a truck driver, but I find it most comfortable. Having one front leg more tan than the others is embarassing, though.

4) My favorite toy is an empty plastic container of cottage cheese.

5) While I'm managing my finances online, I often take a brief nap between trades.

Now that you know a little more about me, it's time I tag five more hapless victims. I tag Brody, Mugsy, Daisy, Nanook, and those monkeys over at Monkey River Town.

Post Haste

2006-08-15T23:08:00.000-05:00

So sorry for the post written in haste. We are dealing with a minor crisis at campaign headquarters. One of our computers has started on fire...or maybe just the hard drive failed. I couldn't tell what my computer support technician was shouting over the panicked din of my other aides. It is a dark day in Anoka.

Pampering

2006-08-14T22:29:00.000-05:00

Campaign headquarters has hardwood floors. They look fancy and impress visitors, but the click-clack of my paws is annoying. Everywhere I go, the sound follows, and I can't sneak up on any of my aides to monitor their work without being noticed. Because of this, every few weeks I require a pawdicure. My campaign manager uses a Dremel to file down my nails to nicely rounded nubs, which are perfect for clandestine staff observations. Today I caught one of my campaign aides surfing the 'net for sales on vintage ceramic clown dolls. That's just creepy. Maybe the less I know about my aides' lives the better.

Eating Grass

2006-08-13T21:39:00.000-05:00

The rain today was refreshing. Nothing tastes better than a rain-soaked blade of grass when I'm out walking the Anoka campaign trail.

There has been some debate among veterinarians and pet-owners about why we dogs love of a good bit of grass. The Pet Professor, for example, suggests that perhaps we dogs are well-practiced herbalists, consuming the appropriate amount of grass to serve our gastro-intestinal needs, such as treating an upset stomach. Others claim we canines are too dumb to know a laxative from a bone in the ground and that we eat grass because it tastes good.

In reality, we dogs eat grass for many reasons. I know one dog, who I think might be bulimic, who uses grass to control her weight. Another eats grass because, well, he'll eat anything he finds on the ground, and there's a lot of grass on the ground. Personally, I like to nibble on a blade of grass because that green stalk extended from my mouth makes me look thoughtful.

A Vote for Snacks

2006-08-10T21:53:00.000-05:00

Football season fast approaches, and that means two things. Firstly, election time is nigh! Make sure all of you Anokans register to vote, and any of you non-residents should try filing for temporary Anokan citizenship during the month of November.

Secondly: snacks! I love football season not because of the sport. I understand the game, but I think it could be improved. What I love about football is how many tasty snacks you people eat while watching. You sure are clumsy with your food, too, but I'm not complaining.

I Knew You Were Going to Write That

2006-08-09T22:21:00.000-05:00

Why would anyone pay for a pet psychic? Just give your pet a laptop and a blog account, and you'd be amazed what your furry (or scaly) little buddy will write. Be careful when handing over credit card information, though. Some of us, like me, can spend our patrons' money wisely, but other pets can get carried away.

City at Night

2006-08-08T21:54:00.001-05:00

City at Night

Since it was such a pleasant evening, I requested that my chauffeur drive me to Mainstreet. I wanted to stroll the sidewalk and greet some fellow night-lovers. The sky was purple, the moon was full, and I met many interesting Anokans.

The hooka bar, in particular, was very busy with many strangely coiffured young adults. It looked like a freshly shorn group of poodles, to be honest. But I don't hold that against them even though poodles freak me out.

Lazy Sunday

2006-08-07T22:10:00.000-05:00

Lazy Sunday

There is another issue that may arise during the political media blitz in the coming months, so it will be best to address it head on.

I never take a day off, but I confess - sometimes I sleep in a little late on the weekends. I understand that you humans consider sloth to be one of the seven deadly sins. As such, some fundamentalists may frown upon my weekend hobby, but I assure you that it does not adversely affect my political or philanthropic work. I still find plenty of time for work and play between naps.

Why Dogs Sniff Each Other's Butts

2006-08-06T19:44:00.000-05:00

One popular question I get when on the road is, "Thomas, why do dogs sniff each other's butts?" I don't know why people feel it is approriate to ask this sort of question of someone who is running for public office. Does Bjorn Skogquist have to deal with questions like these? I guess people treat me differently because I'm a dog. I hope that by explaining the official story behind dog butt-sniffing activity in my blog, fewer people will feel inclined to interupt a press conference with that uncomfortable question.

The Great Dog Fire
A long time ago, when dogs went out for a good time, they would all meet at a certain dog club. This club was the very best in canine entertainment. It had music and drinks, good dog biscuits and fancy napkins. Formal dress was required, so the club asked that its canine patrons check their tails at the door. At that time, it was considered very inappropriate to wag your tail in mixed company.

One day, the dog club announced a special event. It would be a big dog party, the largest ever, so they invited every dog in the world. Because of the expected size of this party, the club decided to host the event outdoors, in a very large grassy clearing.

The day of the party arrived, and dogs from all over the world travelled there. As was the custom, all of the dogs checked their tails at the door and took a number, which they placed on their collars.

The festivities were monumental. The club provided the very best cold spring water for drinking and gourmet biscuits imported from Germany. Puppies met their parents, long-lost siblings reunited, and everyone had a grand time.

Many hours passed in happy conversation and play, but when time came for supper, the mood of the party changed. The dog club had made a horrible mistake. The manager had just opened the large shipping crate containing three tons of fine organic dog food, but to the manager's dismay, he saw the label "Grade B Cat Food: 50 lbs." stamped on every bag. Word spread quickly of this calamity, and many dogs began barking and howling in protest. They were all very hungry, and they wanted to eat.

One boxer became so agitated that he jumped onto a table and started stomping like a horse. His back paw knocked over a candle, which fell to the dry grassy earth. The wax poured onto the ground, and the flame leapt to a blade of grass. Then another blade caught fire; and another. A wind from the west fanned the flames, and the fire erupted, quickly spreading through the clearing.

The dogs panicked. They rushed to the tail check to retrieve their tails and go home, but the fire grew stronger and the throng of dogs was too great. The tail check employees could not work quickly enough, so the crowd broke through the barrier and grabbed the first tail they could find. Then they ran.

They ran away from the party in all directions, some to the east, some to the west, some north, some south. They ran and ran until they all found their way home. It was not until they reached their homes and they looked back to their butts that they realized their mistake. Every dog at the party had grabbed the wrong tail. From that day forward, whenever two dogs meet, they always sniff each other's butts, just in case the other has their tail.

As you probably noticed, I don't really have a tail. That's because I was one of the smart dogs who said, "Ah, forget it" and ran home without bothering to stop at the tail check on the way.

Lounging

2006-08-04T22:55:00.000-05:00

On a hot day, there's nothing better than some cold concrete on your belly.

Lounging

The Nose Knows

2006-08-03T22:20:00.000-05:00

You humans rely too much on your sense of sight. Your crutch has even worked its way into your lexicon. "Look," you begin when trying to explain something. "I see," you say when you understand. Someone who wisely plans ahead is said to have foresight or vision, and someone thinking about the past is said to use hindsight.

What's the problem? Well, you see, sight is unreliable and easy to fake. A good example is how well your fancy new computers can virtually fake the real thing. Actors immitate reality every day, and so do politicians. Can you tell the difference? I can. My sensitive nose can sniff out lies, and that is a handy trick to have in my political grab bag.

A look can lie, but a smell will tell.

Canine Defense

2006-08-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

The Sweet-Natured Golden Retriever...

Due to an overwhelming demand, I am helping coordinate a canine self-defense class for small and medium sized dogs. My specialty is sumo, but other dogs in the program can teach various techniques, including krav doga, tae kwan dog, and aikidog.

This picture depicts two golden retrievers demonstrating the flying monkey paw of death move, which is popular with long-haired dogs because of how cool they look in the air.

Catspiracy

2006-08-01T21:27:00.000-05:00

It seems I am not the only dog haunted by lurking felines. I'm afraid that the cats, though seemingly innocuous and slightly dull on the surface, may be secretly planning something revolutionary. I'm not an ignoramus. I've seen Cats & Dogs. I know what these critters are capable of.

In response to the imminent threat to our safety in Anoka, I've issued a code red alert to all dogs in the town. If anyone spots a cat loose on the streets, he or she should bark the urgency call immediately. A crackpot team of elite soldiers will be mobilized and deployed expediently to protect and prevent a full-blown crisis.

Working for Biscuits

2006-07-31T19:14:00.000-05:00

It was a full room of bulldogs, and I mingled as much as I could, with both human and canine. I recruited several campaign supporters and even a few donors, although it takes a lot of dog biscuits to buy a new convertible.

Bulldog Drinking

2006-07-31T18:58:00.000-05:00

Another French Bulldog Meetup photo... Even indoors it was a very hot day, and all of us bulldogs got very thirsty.

French Bulldog Meetup

2006-07-31T18:51:00.000-05:00

On Sunday I attended my first French Bulldog Meetup event. The requirements for membership aren't very stringent. You can be any color French Bulldog, and they even make exceptions for English Bulldogs if your accent isn't too thick. My campaign photographer took plenty of photographs, and it was difficult choosing just one representative image, so I may post more than just this one.

As you can see in this picture, I practiced my cooperative political skills by working with another bully. Together we overtook the pied Frenchie on the floor. The photo captures the moment before we act, when I tell my partner to hold her down while I slobber her face. It was a good plan - put to action quickly and completed successfully. Just like how I would operate were I elected mayor of Anoka.

The Smaller Dog

2006-07-30T21:28:00.000-05:00

I just learned that "the dog days of summer" are not, in fact, named after a dog. The name comes from some dude in Rome who thought he was clever when he noticed that it got really hot when the star constellation Canis Major, or "The Larger Dog," rose and set with the sun.

I must admit my disappointment that the name doesn't come from how miserable the heat makes me feel. Still, it's cool that there's a constellation named after us canines.

Actually, there's more than one. Another is Canis Minor, or "The Smaller Dog." Both constellations are said to be the two dogs following behind Orion, the hunter.

Of the two constellations, I'm partial to the latter, and not just because I'm a smaller dog. (Well, smaller than a Great Dane, at least. I'm still working on that diet.) I think it's interesting that a two-star constellation could evoke the image of a dog in the minds of early astronomers. It shows the pervasiveness of our puppy-dog reach into the collective imagination of the humans and reassures me that a dog becoming mayor of Anoka is not only possible, it's inevitable.

Lightning Quick

2006-07-27T22:17:00.000-05:00

Come and Get Me

When I am in a political pinch, my lightning-fast reflexes and quick wit are my only allies. I dodge to and fro to distract my opponents, and then I dive headlong into the fray with reckless abandon.

More Confessions

2006-07-26T22:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I revealed my obsession with belly rubs. Today, I have another preemptive confession to make, something that a dedicated reporter or private investigator will probably dig up anyway. I have three unpaid barking tickets.

Here's the Rub

2006-07-25T22:09:00.000-05:00

Today I spent some time trading stocks online. It's been a good year for me, despite poor overall performance in the economy. It is the Year of the Dog, after all. After a half an hour or so, I moved on to reading the local news, where I learned that Minnesota Attorney General Mike Hatch is accusing a news reporter of asking "sleazy" questions.

Before reading this, it had never occurred to me that a reporter might ask uncomfortable questions about me and my past. It turns out that it's an inevitability of a public life. Since I'm a dog stepping out into the political spotlight, I guess there are a few things I should reveal about myself.

I don't want to frighten you away by giving it all away at once, though, so I'll start with something simple - a guilty pleasure. The belly rub. I know as a strong leader, I should stand tall and never back down, but if someone walks up to me with a raised hand, I can't help it. I roll over and hope for a rub.

At least I'm not the only one.

Mugsy for Me

2006-07-24T22:26:00.000-05:00

It pleases me to read that Ayatollah Mugsy has offered his endorsement of my campaign for mayor of Anoka. As the revered spiritual leader of Pug Life Ministries, Mugsy barks the words of truth, so it is difficult to doubt the wisdom of his endorsement. In addition to his work for Pug Life, Mugsy, who is a strong advocate for canine rights, has struggled relentlessly for noble canine causes, including spearheading the "Leave No Pet Behind" bill. He also officiates weddings.

Though we may be of different breed and different religion, our commonalities unite us, and I hope one day to serve as mayor of Anoka and work closely with Ayatollah Mugsy to bring peace to the great conglomeration of humans, dogs, and other pets.

Words to Live By

2006-07-23T22:14:00.000-05:00

Maybe my jowls give the impression that I am a wise dog because I'm often asked for advice about life. Being a budding politician, I'm never short on advice. My problem is choosing one bit above the others as my best, fortune-cookie style recommendation.

After some contemplation this weekend, I think I've thought of it. Of all the things that I've learned in my two and a half years of dogness, this bit of wisdom has served me best: make friends with the cook.

Brinkley for Governor

2006-07-23T00:16:00.000-05:00

It appears the political aspirations of a fellow canine has attracted the attention of the national media. Best of luck, Brinkley! Do you have any tips for another politically-minded dog? Perhaps we could meet for a sniff and greet session someday soon?

Poodles

2006-07-21T23:59:00.000-05:00

Wild Thing!

Being a dog myself, I have a fondness for others of my species. That said, poodles freak me out.

Grassroots

2006-07-20T22:00:00.000-05:00

Despite my constant talk about being on the campaign trail, some have their doubts as to whether I am even running for mayor of Anoka. What is my long-term strategy, they ask. Where are the postcards and the posters?

Well, I'm running what you could call a grassroots campaign. The thing that's most important to me about Anoka is the people, so that's where my campaign focuses. I go on a lot of walks, visit the neighbors and let them scratch my ears and rub my belly, and I lick the hands of many a baby. I don't need fancy postcards or little flags with bulldog silhouettes. Just give me a family out on a stroll in the park and five minutes, and I'll give you a family of Thomas Peterson for Mayor campaign supporters.

An Earful of Support

2006-07-18T19:55:00.000-05:00

Last night my campaign manager removed the furnace air filter for probably the first time ever, and now it sounds like a jet plane is launching in my kennel. Thank you, campaign manager. Don't you know I have sensitive bat ears?

These ears of mine are a fierce political weapon. I can hear whispered conspiratorial conversations from across the room, and no one can sneak up behind me - unless I'm deep in thought. Or eating. On a clear day, if I tilt my head just right, I can even listen to NPR, which is handy for keeping up-to-date with current political going-ons.

So please, kind supporters, when you meet me in the streets, resist the urge to scream with joy. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but it hurts my ears.

Cruelty

2006-07-17T21:57:00.000-05:00

Would someone explain to me how I'm supposed to stick to a diet when my campaign manager cooks meals like this and keeps accidentally knocking chunks of food to the floor? How? It's just cruel. I feel like a marathon runner passing an ice cream stand.

Walking Away Those Pounds

2006-07-16T21:47:00.000-05:00

In a recent post, a political supporter suggested that since I am on a diet, I should attempt a "Walk Across Anoka" to raise awareness of the fight against dog obesity (and human obesity, too, I suppose). This seemed like a great idea. It's something that would benefit me and society. It would generate a positive image for me, and I could accept donations for an obesity charity, like the Minnesota Obesity Center.

Of course, for such a long walk I'll need a support crew to provide water, shade, and air conditioning. I'll also need a photographer. I think two cars should be enough. I may also need an on-call veterinarian in case I overheat during my long, arduous journey. Now that I think about it, why should I bother walking when I have two perfectly decent, air-conditioned cars following me?

Hm.

How about the "Drive Across Anoka: an Obesity Awareness Charity Event?" I like the sound of that.

Campaign Photos

2006-07-15T23:35:00.000-05:00

I posed for a few campaign photos today. This is one of the throwaways, but I like it anyway. I think it makes me look mayoral.

Too Dang Hot

2006-07-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

Yes, it was too dang hot today in Anoka, but my physical trainer made me go on my two daily walks anyway. I bet I could lose these extra three pounds in water through my tongue on a day like today. That's an idea!

If I'm elected mayor and I get that new convertible I've had my eye on, I'm going to make sure it has air conditioning. Of all your inventions, you humans should be the proudest of haloalkane. What a wonderful chemical! I can't get enough of it. If I were ever to become chemically dependent, it would be to freon.

Fancy That

2006-07-12T22:01:00.000-05:00

Reduced caloric intake diet, day one:

For breakfast I ate the usual, only less of it.
For dinner - the usual, only less of it.

The whole diet thing is pretty easy. I'm on my way to the cover of Dog Fancy!

Diet Right

2006-07-11T22:11:00.000-05:00

It was time for my annual check-up with my doctor. I don't know why I need to pay someone $150 to tell me that everything is working. I know that already. My doc did say that I'm a little overweight and need to go on a diet. He called me chubby!

Do you know how hard it is for me to maintain my weight when I'm only 30 pounds? I could eat that much in floor scraps if I wanted to. Oh well, I guess my dietician will be reducing my daily food allowance, so I'll have to start smuggling more biscuits into my kennel at night.

Stick with Me

2006-07-10T22:12:00.000-05:00

I am a kind and calm canine most of the time, but if duty calls and a stick needs snapping, I am ready for action.

Howl

2006-07-09T22:34:00.000-05:00

I've never howled at the moon, but I hear it's quite popular with dogs.

I understand the appeal. Abandon your civilized ways and embrace the feral beast within, tilt your head, open you mouth, and release. Awoooo!

Somehow, I think it would be inappropriate for me as a mayoral candidate to take up howling as a hobby. It could become quite an embarassing habit during extended town meetings. Imagine being in the middle of a heated debate when one of the participants starts to ignore the others, leans back and howls away, oblivious of the consequences. Actually, now that I think about it, that's not much different than how it works now.

Politics

2006-07-09T00:24:00.000-05:00

The thing I like most about politics is that people, dogs, and other animals with such diverse opinions can get together, argue, and work out their differences. I think the rabbits in my backyard need to learn some negotiating skills from the flop-eared fellow in this photo.

Leadership

2006-07-08T01:05:00.000-05:00

Here I am, supervising the construction of a patio. As you can see, I am an excellent leader, in politics and brick-laying.

Boom Boom Bah

2006-07-06T22:06:00.000-05:00

I like the idea of the July 4th holiday. It's nice to celebrate America's independence and all, but in practice it's miserable. Who ever thought that the best way to celebrate the holiday was by setting off a series of loud, bright, and frightening explosions? In my case this year, however, those horrible explosions worked to my advantage.

My campaign aides decided to take me on a July 4th press tour of Anoka. My first stop was, of course, the Mayor's Annual Ice Cream Social. After hobnobbing and a few obligatory photos where I lick the faces of children, I wanted to just go home and nap. Instead, I volunteered my leadership skills to supervise the construction of a brick patio (but that's another subject for another day).

That evening, my chauffeur escorted me to the Anoka fireworks display. At first, it seemed like good fun, with loads of eligible voters all outside, having a good time. Then, the lights dimmed. A strange whistling sound pierced the air. A loud explosion sounded above me, shaking my little body and rattling my poor bat ears. I jumped. Another explosion followed! Then another! We are under attack! I thought, Where are my bodyguards?

Before I could find out, my campaign aides whisked me away from the dangerous scene and drove me home. Later, as I was checking my stocks on e-trade, I decided to contact Brody, my bodyguard. Apparently, based on an anonymous tip, Brody had stocked up on explosive devices earlier that day. Unbeknownst to me, the revolutionary rabbits from my backyard had formed a coup and planned their attack against me for the 4th. Brody wisely used the fireworks as a distraction, to frighten the lagomorphs as my aides quickly drove me to safety.

It was a political crisis averted, but my taste for firework celebrations has bittered. From now on, why not shoot meat sticks into the air instead? They are just as pretty to look at, and they taste better, too.

Sizing Up the Competition

2006-07-05T18:45:00.000-05:00

I hope all you Yankees had a pleasant fourth of July vacation. Mine was quite eventful, and I'll be blogging about the more important events in the next few days.

I spent much of my time relaxing and taking a break from the stress of my mayoral bid. I couldn't resist the Mayor's Annual Ice Cream Social, however, where I got to stand face to face (or, rather, as close as I could get) with the current mayor, Bjorn Skogquist.

He's a great guy, and his feet, though a bit salty, taste pretty good. If I'm elected mayor, I've got some big shoes to fill. If you look closely, you may notice that Bjorn has taken his sandals off in this picture. I hate to jump to conclusions, but is this a symbol of defeat? Could I be a shoo-in for mayor?

People Stink

2006-06-29T22:16:00.000-05:00

When I meet other dog adoptive parents for the first time, they often remark, "Oh, you must smell Gizmo on me," or "Do you smell Fufu? Do you?"

I got to wondering why they so often ask me this question. Maybe they feel insecure when I sniff their pant leg or bury my nose in their crotch. Yes, I can smell Gizmo, and he needs a bath. Yes, I smell Fufu, and is she available later tonight? But that's not the reason why I so intensely inspect their bottom halves.

First of all, I'm a short dog. It's much more convenient to smell your pants than it is to smell your ears. As I've said before, I'm not much of a leaper. It would be very humiliating for me if I tried to jump to smell your ears and ended up falling on my back. That's bad P.R.

Most importantly, however, is that you people stink. I don't mean that as an insult. I'm a dog, after all. Coming from me, that's a sort of compliment.

Your stink tells a story. When I plunge my nose into the noisome fabric of your capris, I enter a different world, a world of perfume and cologne, of leftover food and spilled drinks, of strange chemicals and sweat and other bodily fluids.

For example, this afternoon I met a young lady. Yes, I could smell her dog. He has a runny nose and likes to lick wallpaper glue. I could also tell that this lady was a smoker but not a coffee drinker. She prefered tea - peppermint, I believe. She also had toast for breakfast and spilled a dab Smucker's grape jelly on her pants. I tried to help her by licking away the stain, but she thought I was doing something else.

Anyway, if you ever meet me in Anoka one day after one of my many political speeches, and I bury my muzzle deep into your pantleg, don't worry. I'm only getting to know you better.

Chaffeur

2006-06-28T21:16:00.000-05:00

My truck is in the shop, so my driver and I toured around town today in my second vehicle. It's not as fast, but it turns a lot of heads. All I need now is a silkscreen of my face on the side, and I think this will make a fine campaign vehicle.

I'm Not the Only Puker

2006-06-27T22:09:00.000-05:00

My favorite campaign aide was sick and stinky today. Normally she works during the days on my campaign, but today her illness forced her to take a day of rest. I decided to put aside the pressing issues of my mayoral bid and keep her company for the day. I find that my presence among the infirm can have a strong regenerative effect, like a splash of cold water on a hot day, and I wanted to offer my assistance. Besides, it was reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who pukes occasionally.

Athleticism

2006-06-26T21:57:00.000-05:00

Nande Air Flop

I am many things, but an athlete is not one of them. I admire those dog breeds that can sprint a mile without panting, swim across a lagoon with a stick in their mouth, or leap over low fences.

Sadly, I will never be able to jump up on the couch. But I know I'll always be able to give that sad, convincing look that gets me a free lift. I'll never be able to go for a night-time jog, but I'll always be able to ride in the baby carriage behind my campaign manager when he's out bicycling.

I know my limitations, and I happily accept them.

Cool Drink

2006-06-25T22:17:00.000-05:00

Cool Drink

On a hot day like today, there is nothing better than one of your campaign aides pampering to your every need, including hand-spooning water for me. Ah, life on the campaign trail isn't all bad.

Grass

2006-06-25T00:29:00.000-05:00

Despite the strong objections of my campaign manager, I love eating grass. The crisp, fresh taste is irresistible. Today, I discovered something even better. On the rare occasion that my campaign manager mows the lawn, I've noticed that little hardened chunks sometimes fall behind him. I decided to inspect on of these. To my utter delight, I found that these chunks are actually compressed balls of grass! I feel like a coffee lover who's had her first cup of espresso!

New Dating Service

2006-06-23T23:25:00.000-05:00

I haven't had much luck with my dating service. It's hard meeting eligible dogs with my arduous schedule, so I'm thinking about trying something new. Have any of you had experience with these so called "Meetups?" It sounds awfully suspicious to me - a little too close to "Meat Ups" for my taste. Unless they plan to feed us meat. That would make the meetings doubly fun.

Scandal in the Ugly Dog World

2006-06-22T21:49:00.000-05:00

I love technology, especially when it can be used for the good of all, humans and canines alike. Apparently, someone manipulated the voting system for the World's Ugliest Dog Contest and loaded one dog with a lot of votes. Why didn't someone tell me that you could do this? Why spend all this time on the campaign trail when I can just hire a nerdy high school student to get me elected?

With all the free time I'd be saving, I could focus on some of the important issues in my campaign, like truly open access to government buildings, more barbecue restaurants, and officially renaming "Sunday" to "Nutday" in honor of the peanut.

Ice Cream

2006-06-21T22:44:00.000-05:00

One of the many skills I have been developing on the campaign trail is what politicians like to call hyperbole. While in Kansas City, I practiced my new skill on my campaign manager. Missouri is hot and makes me pant. Honestly, though, the heat isn't a big deal. I can take it. But I've found that the harder I pant, the slower we walk and more sniff breaks I get to take.

I had heard rumors of a dog-friendly ice cream shop in the Westport area of Kansas City called Murray's. On one long publicity walk in that area, I made a particularly big deal about how hot it was outside. Pant, pant, pant! Occasionally I would look longingly at a patch of shade and sigh. The ploy worked, and I convinced my campaign manager to make a stop at Murray's to buy me a cup of doggie ice cream.

There is nothing like the sweet reward of peanut-flavored frozen soy after a challenging display of histrionics and hyperbole.

BBQ Trade Mission

2006-06-20T23:08:00.000-05:00

My apologies for the brief blogging hiatus. I was on an important preliminary trade mission to Kansas City, MO. They have some very tasty barbecue ribs in Kansas City, and I'm hoping to bring them to Anoka. I'm not being unrealistic, though. I know that as a four-legged politician, most restaurants will not permit me entrance, but I don't care. Even licking the fingers of a BBQ joint's patrons is good enough for me! Yum.

Sleep-Esteem

2006-06-15T22:26:00.000-05:00

As I've said before, many people when first meeting me ask me if I snore. I used to think this was rude, but now I've come to a higher understanding. These people I meet are hoping that I snore. It will make them feel better about their own sleep-esteem issues to know that there's some dog somewhere that's keeping his owner awake because of his horrible, teeth-rattling snore. I hope then that this clip of my bodyguard Brody can make you feel better.

A Brief Philosophical Musing from a Mayoral Candidate

2006-06-15T06:28:00.000-05:00

Bark Softly and Carry a Big Stick

My philosophy is to bark softly and carry a big stick, as you can see.

World's Ugliest Dog

2006-06-14T06:17:00.000-05:00

The World's Ugliest Dog contest nears. You can place your votes here. They are all just so ugly, though, I can't decide. It is a much more difficult selection than the Anoka mayoral election will be, don't you think?

The Eye of the Tiger

2006-06-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

Raise your paw if you think cats are a little creepy. Even though I'm a tough scrapper, I wouldn't want to cross this kitty in a dark alley. No way. Photos like this make me glad that I have protection.

Helping Anoka

2006-06-11T22:42:00.000-05:00

Since dogs aren't allowed into public buildings, such as courthouses and city halls, some elements of my campaign may prove difficult. How can I publicly debate my opponents if they won't let me past security? I don't want a simple thing such as species getting in the way of my campaign, so I'm seeking status as a helper dog. It's one of those crazy loopholes in the state's no dog policy. Apparently, "helper dogs" are permitted in commercial buildings and public spaces.

I shouldn't have any problems with the application process. It's mostly a formality. I'm a very helpful dog. I can sniff out rotten food, alerting others to the dangerous bacteria infecting a potential meal. I'm a ferocious defender of the yard. Also, I look both ways before crossing the street.

An unexpected bonus of being a helper dog is the cool outfit. I look great in blue!

Rapping about the Issues

2006-06-09T23:32:00.000-05:00

I think I need to write a rap about my campaign. A hot rap tune would help me mobilize the youth of Anoka, sending them to the polls in record numbers. I could address the important issues with my unique canine spin. I don' t think it's just a coincidence that "Thomas Peterson for Mayor" rhymes with "major political playa."

Bug Snacks

2006-06-08T22:15:00.000-05:00

One of the best parts about summer is all of the bugs. There's nothing I like better than sniffing around the house and snacking on ants and spiders. It's like candy on legs. I know, this doesn't have much to do with my political campaign, save for perhaps a suggestion of my stance on the ethical treament of insects, but I think it's important to reveal a few personal details about my life. Now that you know about my affinity for bug snacks, don't you want to vote for me even more?

Touring Anoka

2006-06-07T21:49:00.000-05:00

Touring Anoka

It seems I'm not the only dog in Anoka that likes to show off. This little fuzzballl was being escorted past the Anoka County Courthouse on a Saturday night, and all eyes were on him.

I must admit, I was jealous and a little nervous. If he were also running for public office, I might need to increase the fervor of my campaign. But I'm not too worried. This canine looks more like a sheriff than a mayor.

The Revolution Begins

2006-06-05T22:07:00.000-05:00

Although I don't officially condone the plans of some of my fellow French Bulldogs, I have to respect their fashion sense. Black on red is such a classy look. Let me be crystal clear, however: I have no plans to take over the world, at least for evil purposes. I only want to be the mayor of Anoka, and I'm not prepared to discuss any future plans.

By the way, if you haven't had a chance to visit The Pure Breed Revolution, I'd highly recommend it, if merely for educational purposes. Humans, know thy enemy.

On Fears

2006-06-04T23:04:00.000-05:00

Whoever said, "There's nothing to fear but fear itself" was wrong. I think everyone has a right to one or two irrational fears. Mine are fuzzy slippers and balloons.

Fuzzy Slippers are easy to explain though, so I don't think they count as irrational. How would you feel if you walked into a room and a dark ball of fur was resting on your couch? I'll tell how I felt when I saw a pair of slippers on my living room pillow: freaked out.

Balloons - that's a different story. I can't really explain why balloons creep me out. There's just something suspicious about how they float in the air, slowly rocking back and forth like a cobra's head, ready to strike. No doubt, a balloon would strike at the easiest target, the one lowest to the ground - me. Besides, as a budding politician I never trust anything that's lighter than air.

Public Relations

2006-06-04T00:36:00.000-05:00

Public Relations

I visited my fellow Anokans at the weekly River Run car show and posed for many excellent photo opportunities. Here I am with the children of some potential voters. I find it best to charm the young ones. They aren't as concerned about my political positioning and they know right where to scratch.

My Teeth Hurt

2006-06-03T01:11:00.000-05:00

Whose cruel idea of a joke was it to leave small food-sized rocks all along the ground outside of restaurants?

A Good Hair Day

2006-06-01T21:29:00.000-05:00

My winter coat is finally shedding. You don't know how exhausting it can be to pound the pavement when you're wearing a thick layer of blonde fur. It was impeding my campaign. I considered shaving it all off, but I didn't want to end up looking like this. I don't have anything against dogs that shave, but it's just not my style. I am French, after all.

The Cute Pup Award

2006-05-31T22:16:00.000-05:00

The Cute Pup Award goes to this fella. Congratulations!

Memorial Day and Rabbit Revenge

2006-05-30T22:18:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back. It was a busy few days away, and I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to blog while I was on the campaign trail. I spent most of Memorial Weekend visiting old war heroes and making appearances at Unknown Soldiers' graves. My saluting paw is tired. It surprised me how many dead people there are to visit. I don't think I saw them all, but I did my best to show up for the ceremonies where the press was also most likely to show up.

While I was gone, the rabbits formed a coup and attempted to annex my backyard for their own private nation. Fortunately, I returned in time to prevent the revolution, but their leader escaped. I'm sure he will come again with renewed forces.

Ever since the snow melted, I have been waging a war of diplomacy with these sneaky lagomorphs. I'm beginning to think that more drastic measures are required. Sometimes negotiations can bear no fruit, and it takes a wise dog to recognize that a more forceful means of conversation may become necessary.

Daisy here has a similar problem with squirrels, and she has the right idea. I don't necessarily agree with her war-time slogan: "All Squirrels Must Die." That's a little harsh for the politician in me. I think my motto will be "Rabbits, Go Home!" Or maybe just a sign in my yard that says, "No Hop for Rabbits."

Softball

2006-05-25T23:10:00.000-05:00

I made the rounds at an Anoka softball game this evening, suffering through the awful heat and humidity for a good cause - my election campaign.

The sport of softball is mysterious to me. I understand the desire to chase down a ball, but other than that, what's the deal? Sure, you can run in circles, but where's the fun in that if nobody is chasing you? And the mask that the umpire wears creeps me out.

Softball games are great for public relations, though. The fans are usually in a good mood (mostly because of the beer, I imagine), and there are usually a few babies around, which make for great photo opportunities. The best part is that people at softball games like to eat, and they're messy!

Coastal Dog

2006-05-24T22:06:00.000-05:00

FAVORITE SPOT

Despite Anoka's many positive attributes, sometimes I wish I lived near the coast. I could learn to surf! Besides, I love seafood, especially salmon and, well, anything I can find dead on the shoreline.

Hot Hot Hot!

2006-05-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

It's too darn hot out. If I'm elected mayor, I'm going to propose that Anoka move north for the summer. The dog days of summer are definitely not for the dogs, and whoever named them thus should be sued for libel. You'd get tired of the hot, too, if you had to stick your tongue out to cool off. Try it sometime, and then come complaining to me about the yellow sweat stains under your pits. Boo hoo.