"The Gun"

My campaign manager received an email today from someone who wanted me to address an important issue. The email stated, "I think Thomas Peterson needs to answer for his nickname 'Tommy the Gun.'" The emailer suggested that Anoka voters might not want to vote for a gun-toting mobster dog, and I can see his point. The source of my nickname is actually an embarrassing issue for me, but since I'm running for public office, where there is no such thing as a private life, I feel compelled to explain.

No, I was not named after the popular Thompson submachine gun nor the diminutive character from the 2000 movie Snatch. I don't know who killed Hoffa or Kennedy, and I've never made it through Scarface without falling asleep. My nickname comes from an issue I used to have that we can politely call a "sensitive stomach." Unfortunately, the same genetics that gave me my good looks and bat ears also makes me more prone to gastro-intestinal issues such as bad gas.

My potential constituents need not worry, though. After a change in diet, I've mostly eliminated this discomfiting issue. In my prime, however, I could pop off nasty clouds of stink like...well...like a tommy gun.

Now you know.