Piddling Tom

A French Bulldog came to town,
His Christian name was Tom.
A noble pedigree he had,
To know him was a charm.
As he trotted down the street
'Twas beautiful to see
He pissed on every corner,
He pissed on every tree.

He watered every gateway, too,
And never missed a post,
For pissling was his specialty
And piddling was his boast.
The Anoka curs looked on, amazed,
With deep and jealous rage
To see a simple French Bulldog
The piddler of the age!

Then all the dogs from everywhere
Were summoned with a yell
To sniff the stocky stranger
And judge him by the smell.
Some thought that he a king might be,
Beneath his tail, a rose.
So every dog drew near to him
And sniffed him by the nose.

They smelled him over one by one,
They sniffed him two by two;
But noble Tom, in high disdain,
Stood still till they were through.
Then, just to show the whole shebang
He didn't give a damn
He trotted in a grocer's shop
And pissed upon a ham.

He piddled in a mackerel keg.
He pissed upon the floor,
And when the grocer kicked him out
He piddled through the door.
Behind him all the Anoka dogs
Lined up with instinct true
To start a pissing carnival
And see the stranger through.

They showed him every piddling post
They had in all the town,
And started in, with many a wink,
To pee the stranger down.
They sent for champion piddlers
Who were always on the go
And who sometimes did a pissing stunt
Or gave a piddling show.

They sprang these on him suddenly
When midway through the town.
Thomas only smiled, and piddled off
The ablest, white or brown.
For he was with them, every trick,
With vigor and with vim.
A thousand piddles, more or less,
Were all the same to him.

So he was wetting merrily
With hind leg kicking high
When most were hoisting legs in bluff
And piddling mighty dry.
On and on, Tom sought new grounds
By piles of scrap and rust
Till every Anoka dog ran dry
And only piddled dust.

Still on and on went noble Tom
As wet as any rill
When all the champion Anoka dogs
Had come to a standstill.
Then Tom did free-hand piddling
With fancy flirts and flips
Like the 'double dip' and the 'gimlet twist'
And all the latest hits.

And all the time the French Bulldog
Did never wink or grin
But blithely piddled out of town
As he had piddled in.
The Anoka dogs a convention held
To ask, "What did defeat us?"
But no one ever put them wise
That Tom had diabetes!

Author Unknown