Why Dogs Sniff Each Other's Butts

One popular question I get when on the road is, "Thomas, why do dogs sniff each other's butts?" I don't know why people feel it is approriate to ask this sort of question of someone who is running for public office. Does Bjorn Skogquist have to deal with questions like these? I guess people treat me differently because I'm a dog. I hope that by explaining the official story behind dog butt-sniffing activity in my blog, fewer people will feel inclined to interupt a press conference with that uncomfortable question.

The Great Dog Fire
A long time ago, when dogs went out for a good time, they would all meet at a certain dog club. This club was the very best in canine entertainment. It had music and drinks, good dog biscuits and fancy napkins. Formal dress was required, so the club asked that its canine patrons check their tails at the door. At that time, it was considered very inappropriate to wag your tail in mixed company.

One day, the dog club announced a special event. It would be a big dog party, the largest ever, so they invited every dog in the world. Because of the expected size of this party, the club decided to host the event outdoors, in a very large grassy clearing.

The day of the party arrived, and dogs from all over the world travelled there. As was the custom, all of the dogs checked their tails at the door and took a number, which they placed on their collars.

The festivities were monumental. The club provided the very best cold spring water for drinking and gourmet biscuits imported from Germany. Puppies met their parents, long-lost siblings reunited, and everyone had a grand time.

Many hours passed in happy conversation and play, but when time came for supper, the mood of the party changed. The dog club had made a horrible mistake. The manager had just opened the large shipping crate containing three tons of fine organic dog food, but to the manager's dismay, he saw the label "Grade B Cat Food: 50 lbs." stamped on every bag. Word spread quickly of this calamity, and many dogs began barking and howling in protest. They were all very hungry, and they wanted to eat.

One boxer became so agitated that he jumped onto a table and started stomping like a horse. His back paw knocked over a candle, which fell to the dry grassy earth. The wax poured onto the ground, and the flame leapt to a blade of grass. Then another blade caught fire; and another. A wind from the west fanned the flames, and the fire erupted, quickly spreading through the clearing.

The dogs panicked. They rushed to the tail check to retrieve their tails and go home, but the fire grew stronger and the throng of dogs was too great. The tail check employees could not work quickly enough, so the crowd broke through the barrier and grabbed the first tail they could find. Then they ran.

They ran away from the party in all directions, some to the east, some to the west, some north, some south. They ran and ran until they all found their way home. It was not until they reached their homes and they looked back to their butts that they realized their mistake. Every dog at the party had grabbed the wrong tail. From that day forward, whenever two dogs meet, they always sniff each other's butts, just in case the other has their tail.

As you probably noticed, I don't really have a tail. That's because I was one of the smart dogs who said, "Ah, forget it" and ran home without bothering to stop at the tail check on the way.