Think

Sometimes, even with the pressure of running a high-paced mayoral campaign, I need to stop, relax, and meditate.

"The Gun"

My campaign manager received an email today from someone who wanted me to address an important issue. The email stated, "I think Thomas Peterson needs to answer for his nickname 'Tommy the Gun.'" The emailer suggested that Anoka voters might not want to vote for a gun-toting mobster dog, and I can see his point. The source of my nickname is actually an embarrassing issue for me, but since I'm running for public office, where there is no such thing as a private life, I feel compelled to explain.

No, I was not named after the popular Thompson submachine gun nor the diminutive character from the 2000 movie Snatch. I don't know who killed Hoffa or Kennedy, and I've never made it through Scarface without falling asleep. My nickname comes from an issue I used to have that we can politely call a "sensitive stomach." Unfortunately, the same genetics that gave me my good looks and bat ears also makes me more prone to gastro-intestinal issues such as bad gas.

My potential constituents need not worry, though. After a change in diet, I've mostly eliminated this discomfiting issue. In my prime, however, I could pop off nasty clouds of stink like...well...like a tommy gun.

Now you know.

Running and running

I think dogs have a bad reputation when it comes to relationships with cats. I've got nothing against felines. They may be aloof and funny smelling, but I don't mind them at all. In fact, there are some neighborhood cats I just love. To demonstrate my love, I chase them around the streets. They must love me too because they play along and keep running and running.

Undiscovered

Some days I feel like an undiscovered star, just waiting for a casting agent to notice me and say, "Oh my dog, you are just what I've been looking for." I'm a practical dog, though, and I know that there is more to life than being cute and conning pet store clerks into giving me a second doggie biscuit.

The life of a dog model might be financially rewarding, but so is eTrade and my campaign manager's credit card. I could probably handle the glamour and fame. Ultimately, however, I know that a career as a photographer's pet would leave me feeling unfulfilled.

I'm a dog who wants to do more. I want to change the world around me for the better. I want to ride in a convertible in countless town parades. I want to host the Mayor's Ice Cream Social. I want to shakes the hands of kids and lick the foreheads of babies. I may have a dog model's good looks, but I've got the heart of a mayor.

Working for a Cleaner Anoka

River Dog

I care deeply about Anoka's parks and forests, and have tried to explore them all. When you're out on a walk, you might even smell a marked tree or two of mine.

Garbage

Before I get to the subject of this post, can I say one thing? Paula Abdul is nuts. There. I said it.

Now I can discuss important political issues, like garbage. Judging from a random sniff sample of the trash bins on the street in my neighborhood, I bet that more than half of the stuff that people in Anoka throw away is still perfectly good. In fact, I'd wager some of it is still quite tasty. I think you humans are too religious about expire-by dates. Some of the most delicious foodstuff I've sampled has technically been past expiration.

I think the word "waste" is appropriate because it seems like such a waste to throw away perfectly good food when there are thousands of hungry dogs right outside your door. One of the committees I plan to spearhead if I am elected mayor of Anoka is the "Committee for the Redistribution of Unused or Discarded Food." Why? Because I care.

Most Beautiful Bulldog

Congratulations to Hannah, who was voted most beautiful bulldog by a panel of judges in Des Moines, Iowa. As the article states, Hannah is the "ultimate girly girl." Well, Hannah, I'm your ultimate manly man. I'm fun-loving and outgoing. My butt smells good. I have excellent table-side manners, and my campaign aides bathe me at least once every few months. If you're interested in pursuing a friendship (maybe more) with a smart, up-and-coming mayoral candidate, then I'm your dog. And remember, size doesn't matter.

One Vote at a Time

My philosophy regarding my mayoral campaign bid is simple. I try to secure one vote at a time. Good news: I may have scored one more check next to my name today.

Some people I've met have told me that they would vote for me if only they lived in Anoka. Please, ladies and gentlement, don't let that stop you. You don't need to live in Anoka. That's what absentee ballots are for. I keep a stash of these pre-completed ballots in my kennel, and I can mail one to you and all of your friends (for a nominal shipping fee.)

The Silent Green Danger

A web friend recently told me that Greenies are dangerous, potentially lethal! It saddens me to think of those fellow dogs, getting sick doing the thing that they love (which is eating, of course.) Dog oh dog, it seems like anything good to eat is bad for you: grass, worms, dust bunnies, rawhides, and now Greenies.

What is a hungry dog to do? I guess I'll have to go back to gnawing on the furniture.

Tour Guide

Tour Guide

The history of Anoka amazes me. Here I am giving a tour to some curious travellers. It just goes to show how much I care about our town that I volunteer my time to spread cheer to strangers.

Random Doggie Thoughts

Today, I offer you some random doggie thoughts:

• Some days I wish I were taller so I could steal food off of the counter.
• For that matter, I wish I could jump higher.
• If I were ever to hire a dog as a body double, it would be Zorba.
• I'm glad I'm not ugly.

Worms!

The thunderstorm in Anoka yesterday evening exposed me to a new pleasure. I never realized that the rain from the storm lures worms to the surface. On my morning walk today, I discovered many dried worms on the pavement. Have you ever eaten one? They're delicious!

I will eat them now whenever I get the chance, although I may need to sneak them. My campaign manager doesn't think it's a good idea. I can see his point. The paparazzi would love it. What if I smile for a picture, and there's a bit of worm stuck in my teeth? Still, they are hard to resist....

Speed Trials

Thomas Peterson Speed Trials

I was in the backyard this afternoon to do some sprint training. I need to stay in tip-top shape for my candidacy. My physical trainer tries to motivate me with praise and the promise of glory, but I find that a big stick thrown about twenty feet in front of me works just as well.

Research

Some members of the media have questioned why I have decided to start my campaign for mayor of Anoka so early. No one else has even announced their candidacy. Won't I tire out before the primaries? I guess they've never heard of bulldog tenacity. I may be small, but I'm not weak, and it takes more than a few extra months on the campaign trail to exhaust me.

I must be honest, though. I'm not really if sure this is an election year in Anoka. I probably could have researched more than I did.

Do Pity Points Count as Votes?

What a perfect day for Easter celebration in central Minnesota! All of the weather forecasters predicted rain. I knew that wouldn't do, so I talked to a few people. I think they did a superb job (except for maybe the wind, which made sticking my head out the car window painful.)

My visit with the relatives went well, with plenty of good "meet and greet" photo opportunities. I also snagged a few Easter buffet droppings. Score! While I was hanging out in the kitchen, someone nearly stepped on me. I turned in those pity points later in the day for a forkful of turkey. It turns out the cute dog routine works wonders in the political and social spheres. Will it work on Anokan voters this fall?

Thomas Peterson for Mayor

I love this town.

Hackers

It appears that a hacker with a grudge against me has infiltrated my Blogger account and posted some very disparaging comments about my attitude toward work, and I need to clear my name. I am not a lazy dog, and I will not be a lazy mayor (if elected, of course.) If you vote for me this fall, you can expect to see one of the hardest working dogs in Anoka. I am even willing to forgo my morning beauty nap, my mid-afternoon siesta, and my evening pre-sleep catnap. That's how much I care.

Lazy

I feel I must apologize to my readership about the Internet void you no doubt noticed yesterday. Yes, I did not post anything. No, I'm not hurt or ill. For some reason, Blogger was acting like a stubborn puppy (no offense.)

I was planning to write about the increased frequency of photographic posts in my blog. My explanation? A picture is worth a thousand words, and I'm lazy.

Here Comes the Sun

"Here Comes the Sun" was my official pedigree name, before I was snipped and kicked out of the show dog circuit for being overweight. But I hate to hold a grudge.

Shades of Gray

I have been busy the last few days supervising the remodel of my campaign manager's bedroom. Here I am, inspecting the inferior taping job of my marketing coordinator. He should stick to mudslinging and leave the taping to professionals.

I'm not so sure I like the colors they've selected for the room. They tell me that green is a relaxing and invigorating color, but it just looks like another shade of gray to me.

Spokesdog

I'm back from a visit with some friends, but my visit wasn't entirely pleasure. I was acting as a spokesdog, acting on behalf of canines everywhere. The Ws, as I'll call them, were gracious hosts, letting me sniff everything I wanted and even letting me smell the stinky pond in their backyard. What fun!

The Ws are considering the adoption of their own dog, so, as a spokesdog, I was on my best behavior. I only puked once.

Tanning

My campaign aides thought it would be a good idea to rearrange all of the furniture in my house and paint the walls. Ha ha. Very funny. They won't be laughing when I bump my head on that dresser in the hallway and get a bruise on my head. Then I'll be cranky, and nobody's happy when I'm cranky. I considered sabotage, like tipping over the paint bucket or pooping on the floor, but instead opted to lie on the front steps all day and get a tan. I need to look my best for when I start actively campaigning.

Pool

French Bulldogs are not swimmers, but I still like this pool.

Indoor Plumbing

It's been raining a lot lately, and I'm tired of peeing outside. I wish I were taller so I could use the toilet. Whoever invented indoor plumbing completely forgot about us dogs.

If I'm elected mayor of Anoka, I'll be sure to tweak the city plumbing codes to require lower seats. In fact, I think we'd be better off without seat at all. In some countries, bathrooms are a hole in the floor. Why not here? It seems much more convenient to me.

I would leave some flexibility in the new bathroom code for creativity. For example, the code would allow the placement of an inspirational item next to the hole. Examples of acceptable items includes fire hydrants, stop signs, a pile of leaves, or the corner of an adjacent room.

It's just an idea.

Hey, it stopped raining. Gotta go!

The Greenies Party

I just found out today that the Greenies Party is not a legitimately recognized political party. It's just a tasty treat. I may need to rethink my entire campaign strategy.

Torture

My campaign aids torture me sometimes. Seriously. They throw me around and scratch my belly raw. Here is photographic proof of the horrors I must endure in order to preserve my appearance as a "nice dog."

In this particular photograph, my campaign manager tossed me on his bed and held me down until I tried wriggling away. Then he started tickling! The humiliation was unbearable. I will never let this sort of thing happen if I'm elected mayor. Maybe I'll have one of my bodyguards rough him up a bit, toss him in bed and tickle his belly.

Who will be laughing then? Huh?

My Animal Idol

If I were asked for my favorite non-canine animal, I'd have to say the skunk. I have a squeaky skunk, in fact, and it is my favorite toy despite the rips in its tail and legs. I like the skunk best because I can relate to it.

For example, tonight I was sitting in my campaign manager's lap while he was watching an episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm." I was thirsty and needed a drink of water, but I didn't feel like jumping out of the chair, so I farted. The stink earned me a free trip to the floor!

I'm sure there are other ways I could use my scent to get what I want, but I can't think of another species that understands how to better use their stench than my idol, the skunk.

The Joke's on Me

I feel like such a sucker. Someone told me that Daylight Savings Time is actually an April Fool's Day joke. I can't believe I fell for it. I must have looked foolish getting up an hour early, trying to prevent a public perception of laziness. I'm impressed with the pervasiveness of this joke. Every major media organization was in on it, as were many of my campaign aids. It's almost like every one knew about it but me.

But I'm not gullible, so don't let that keep you from voting for me this fall. I can smell B.S. from a mile away. In fact, I can smell any sort of poo from about a mile away. It's one of the bittersweet perks of being a dog.

Taketh Away My Hour of Sleep

I hate Daylight Savings Time. Why? Because Daylight Savings Time kills. It also ruins my sleep pattern, and I get cranky. On the other hand, it's a good lesson for children to learn: What the government giveth, the government taketh away.