Competition

I'm glad I'm not running for mayor of New York. It seems if I did I might find heavy competition among my fellow species. Sure, competition is healthy, especially for the political system. It ensures that only the most motivated of candidates succeeds in running for office, which is why I'd prefer less of it in Anoka. I'd love to be elected, but I'd love it even more if I didn't have to try that hard.

Using the Force

If a Yoda costume doesn't work out for Halloween this year, maybe I could go as Darth Vader. Or maybe that would be sending the wrong message about how I would treat my Anokan constituents.

Even if I had control over the Force, I don't think I would use it for evil. It would make playing fetch much easier, though, and I could probably catch those darn rabbits in my backyard. I wonder if I could use the Force to scratch my own back.

I think the best part about being a dark overlord of the universe would be the treats. I could eat whenever I wanted, and nobody would stop me (or else....) I don't plan on becoming a dark overlord soon, though. That takes years of planning and a cool outfit.

Flick

My campaign manager has set up a Flickr account and started posting some of my glamour shots. For some reason, my manager has decided I wasn't good enough and posted a few non-Peterson photographs. I hope my potential constituents don't mind the occasional picture of an iguana or crack-head pumpkin.

The Early Spring Smell

Spring is almost here, and I'm thrilled. I think my favorite part about this season is the smell. All of the dead animals that were too wussy to make it through the winter are now thawing! It enhances my walking experience tenfold. I get tired of the constant choking, though. It seems to happen every time I smell something particularly enticing. I don't see what's so wrong with sniffing a little squirrel carcass.

Hood Ornament - Art or Obscenity?

It makes me wish I drove a Mack truck.

Doggie Needs a New Pair of Shoes

I'm not much for fashion, but like any other dog I can appreciate a nice shoe. I found these while shopping for a new bathrobe. Wouldn't I look good in a pair of flaming shoes? I think so, but I'm having a harder time convincing my accountant it's worth the $50. I say if it's a tax write-off, then it's basically free.

Speaking of taxes, have you finished yours yet? I love tax season. Because of my status as a dog, I can exploit all sorts of loopholes. Did you know that I can claim myself as a dependent, for example? I can also write off the cost of Greenies (it's a business expense.) And property taxes on a kennel are ridiculously low.

Maybe if I'm elected mayor of Anoka, I'll introduce legislature to close some of the egregious loopholes. Maybe.

I am not Alone

I guess I'm not the only French Bulldog blogger out there.

Freedom Dogs

I overheard this conversation in town today.

1: Marge, oh hi. How are you?
2: I'm good. And you?
1: Just fine. How is your boy doing?
2: Oh, he's okay. He started dating a new girl. She's a Muslim, so that should be intersting.
1: Oh?
2: Yeah, you know because Muslims don't eat pork.
1: They don't?
2: And you know my boy, one of his staples is ham.
1: Is it now?
2: Oh yeah. You know, this girl had an internship at the Metrodome, and she didn't even have a Dome dog. How can you work at the dome and not eat a dome dog? You know, I don't think she's ever eaten a hot dog in her life.
1: Is she from here?
2: Yeah, she was born here I think.
1: Well, that's just un-American to not eat hot dogs. That's just wrong.

I'm won't disagree that hot dogs are tasty (but I'm not sure if I like the name). I have to disagree with ladies 1 & 2, though. I think it is distinctly American to not eat hot dogs. One of the best attributes of this country is that people may happily practice beliefs alongside others who don't necessarily agree with them. Where else could a dog run for mayor, for example?

Why am I hungry all of a sudden? Hm. Snack time!

Zzzzzzz

Some days I'm just too tired to write a blog entry.

Is it a Bouquet or a Message?

Someone emailed me a picture of a bouquet today. This is just creepy. Would you like it if I sent you a bouquet of flowers that looked like a person? I think the person who emailed me was trying to make a statement, like giving me a black rose or putting a horse head in my kennel. It might be time to call back my bodyguards.

Viva la Revolution

One of the many inequities of life as a dog is that I'm not allowed into movie theaters. This is by no means tragic, but sometimes I wish I could see a movie on the big screen. One recent film I have a hankering to see for is "V for Vendetta." I consider myself a bit of a revolutionary, and I love a good movie about revolution. It renews my hope that one small dog can make a big difference in the world.

I hear that there's a few good scenes involving fried eggs and toast, too. Yum.

Freedom of Speech

Someone recently asked me if I would ever write about my campaign platform in my blog. It's a legitimate question. I'll admit that I've been taking my time to explain my political perspective. The election is still months away, so I'm afforded the luxury.

One thing that I promise to stand up for is freedom of speech. I think most people would agree that the right to free speech is essential, yet in central Minnesota a huge violation of this freedom may occur unfettered. In case you can't access the article, a man in Morrison County is proposing the construction of a commercial 600-dog kennel, where some of the dogs will be surgically silenced, or "debarked." It is a sad day indeed when concerns for the profits a few people trump the rights of many.

Debarking is censorship! If you agree with me, spread the word. Tell everyone you know about what's happening in Morrison County. If enough of us express our outrage, we can make a change. I promise to do my part. People have always said that my bark is worse than my bite.

I'm a Crooner

If I'm not elected mayor of Anoka this fall, I've considered trying out to be the next American Idol. Contrary to popular belief, dogs can sing. Besides, I'm way better looking than Clay Aiken and I probably don't shed as much. I haven't decided on an audition song yet, though. Do you have any suggestions? I'm a decent crooner, so maybe "Puppy Love" by Paul Anka would be appropriate.

Booster Shot

I should apologize to my loyal constituents about not posting anything yesterday. My veterinarian diagnosed me with St. Paddy's flu and suggested that I caught it from my dad. I didn't think it was contagious, but my doc insisted it was and showed me an article she had read in Dog Fancy. She could be wrong. The article could be wrong. Maybe they were all paid off by Pepto-Bismol or Tums.

Until I can sniff the pants of the author, I never trust an article that I've read. Have you heard about the fat virus, for example? I'm still not sure if obesity is contagious, but laziness sure is! Whenever I see my folks sacked out on the couch, I can't help myself. I just have to nap. It's not a healthy environment for someone running for public office. Does a laziness vaccine exist? If so, I may need a booster shot.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Even though I am 100% French Bulldog, a little of my heart belongs to the Irish and I'll celebrate St. Paddy's Day nonetheless. The problem is that I'm a teetotaler. Since I don't drink booze, how do I celebrate St. Patrick's Day? With a Greenie, of course!

Theme Song

Every good politician needs a better-than-average theme song, something that defines the politician's platform and his or her principles. I need a theme song.

Maybe MC Frontalot will lay down a track for me. I admire his work, especially on Fresh Dog. My accountant tells me that the funds in my political coffer are dangerously low, though, so I don't know if I can afford a commission. Perhaps we can work out a mutually beneficial arrangement - a "he scratches my back I sniff his pants" sort of deal. I'm not above posing for his Gallery of Cute Girls Wearing My Shirt, either.

A Fellow Mayor

Good for you, Bosco.

The Five Second Rule

My familial assistants chauffeured me to my grandparents' house today so we could visit. I love our visits. This time, they gave me the best gift anyone could give - Greenies! I haven't eaten one yet, though. I need to cut back on treats or I'll look tubby for the campaign photographs.

While I was at my grandfolks, someone dropped a few pieces of corn and I learned about a strange human rule. It's called the "five-second rule." Apparently, any food dropped on the floor has a five-second safety buffer before it becomes indelibly infected by surrounding microorganisms.

I'm not sure how this rule is supposed to work. Does the impact of the food particle create a quickly degradable, invisible anti-germ bubble that surrounds the food? Are floor bacteria slow and lazy? Does the force of the fall create an small, germ-free impact crater? I'll leave those questions to the scientists. In any case, I think it's a dumb rule. Who cares how long the food has been on the ground? I say if it's within paw's reach, it's fair game. Besides, the five-second rule is just a myth anyway.

Halloween Costume

Since Anoka is the Halloween Capital of the World and especially because of my mayoral campaign, I need to plan my costume soon. My outfit needs to flatter my strong traits, such as my lengthy ears, my stoic chinline, and my sagacious temperament. I think I found one option that may work. I don't think I'd need those fake ears though.

Tag Me

I want one, and if I had one I'd be the coolest dog in Anoka.

Bjorn for President

A fellow blogger and Minnesotan noted an interview with the current mayor of Anoka, Bjorn Skogquist. As I've said before, I like Bjorn. I think he's done a decent job running our town, except maybe for some of his stray dog policies and the clearly unconstitutional ban on pets in town hall.

If Bjorn indeed runs for office, he should think big. Don't run for senate or state representative, Mr. Skogquist. When you ran for mayor of Anoka, you were thinking big. You had the right idea. There's only one mayor of a city, but state representatives are a dime a dozen.

Besides, now that you've had a taste of true power as mayor of Anoka, won't the senate be a disappointment? If you run for anything this year, run for president. You'd have my vote (as long as you promise to vote for me.)

It's No Bath

To celebrate the good weather, I went for a long walk in the park today. I sniffed a lot of stinky things and marked many trees. One of the disadvantages of being so close to the ground, however, is that my paws tend to kick up any detritus underfoot. By the end of the walk, mud coated my belly like chocolate icing on a cupcake.

My filth necessitated a new experience - a snow bath. Have you had one? It's simple. You take lumps of snow and rub them all over you belly and legs. It's cold but efficient. After a few minutes of snow bathing I was wet, stinky, and mud-free.

Finally

It appears that spring may finally be on its way. As you can see, I'm very excited about putting away my winter coat for the year.

Bugs

I was feeling paranoid after writing my previous post, so I hired a part-time bodyguard. He swept my kennel for bugs. He didn't find any, but that doesn't put my mind at ease.

I never fully accepted the consequences of running for office and making the details of my life public until now.

Sure, I can accept people watching me poo while I'm out walking. Or peeing on lamppost. I can accept many of the aspects of a celebrity life, but my nap time is private time. I wonder what kind of security package comes along with being the mayor. I'm going to need at least two secret service agents with me at all times, especially while I'm sleeping. One will scratch my ears while the other one scans my office for secret surveillance equipment.

Political Fundraising

Someone spilled butter on the dining room floor today. It was delicious. Something even more exciting happened, though. Today was the official start of the election season. I love parties - Democratic, Republican, Independent, Libertarian. They are all fun in their own way.

To celebrate the official start of the election season, I decided to throw my own party. I invited some of my good dog friends and we played poker. I think it's healthy to have a mix of human and canine friends, but I only play poker with dogs. They are horrible card players. In fact, their incompetence funds the majority of my political campaign.

Big Brother

Do you ever get the creepy feeling that someone is watching you?

Oscar the Grouch

I hosted an party for Oscar night. I'm exhausted. I'll definitely be grumpy tomorrow.

Tonight, though, I'm happy. Despite the Academy ignoring my late nomination of Gromit for the best actor category, they acknowledged his performance indirectly by voting "Curse of the Wererabbit" best animated feature. Way to go, Gromit!

Downtown Dog

I love Anoka, but some days I wish I was a downtown dog.

Out the Window

Someone suggested that I remove a link in my previous entry to a company selling beer bongs. This person believed that I shouldn't promote binge drinking. I agree that binge drinking is dumb. I think beer bongs are funny, though. They illustrate the absurdity of excessive consumption in the same way that the CXT shows how weird people can be about their cars and trucks.

Does anyone actually need a vehicle that big? Maybe, but I don't think that's why they buy it. As the promos say, "For drivers who want to make a statement, this is how to broadcast it." I just don't get it. I say if you can stick your head out the window, it's good enough for me. When I'm mayor, though, I might get a convertible.

A French Bulldog Prayer

St. Stephen's Catholic Church in Anoka is hosting the Annual Mayors' Prayer Breakfast this year on March 17th. Why on earth would you host this event on St. Patrick's Day, especially at a Catholic Church? The organizers are just asking for someone to pull out a beer bong and tap the communion wine.

Thoughts of drunken revelry aside, I wonder if they would let me speak at the breakfast this year. I have a prayer that I would like to share.

May our food dishes be full
May our water taste like beef
May Greenies be plentiful
So we keep all our teeth

May our stool be always solid
Many rabbits may we chase
Our kennels ne'er be squalid
Other doggies ne'er be chaste

We'll not whine, nor pass gas
Nor poop in the kitchen
For these things that we ask.
We thank you. Amen.

A Day in the Life

Several people have asked me if I would write about what I do during the day. I don't want to give away all of my campaign secrets, but I will tease you with some information.

Mostly, I sleep. When I'm not sleeping, I will often sit in front of my favorite heating vent and think about sleeping. If I'm feeling motivated, I will trade a few stocks on e*trade (a dog needs to prepare for his future.) Internet research is an important part of my day, as well. My research includes browsing dog photos (nothing pornographic, mind you) on flickr and reading blogs from admirers of the breed.