People Stink

When I meet other dog adoptive parents for the first time, they often remark, "Oh, you must smell Gizmo on me," or "Do you smell Fufu? Do you?"

I got to wondering why they so often ask me this question. Maybe they feel insecure when I sniff their pant leg or bury my nose in their crotch. Yes, I can smell Gizmo, and he needs a bath. Yes, I smell Fufu, and is she available later tonight? But that's not the reason why I so intensely inspect their bottom halves.

First of all, I'm a short dog. It's much more convenient to smell your pants than it is to smell your ears. As I've said before, I'm not much of a leaper. It would be very humiliating for me if I tried to jump to smell your ears and ended up falling on my back. That's bad P.R.

Most importantly, however, is that you people stink. I don't mean that as an insult. I'm a dog, after all. Coming from me, that's a sort of compliment.

Your stink tells a story. When I plunge my nose into the noisome fabric of your capris, I enter a different world, a world of perfume and cologne, of leftover food and spilled drinks, of strange chemicals and sweat and other bodily fluids.

For example, this afternoon I met a young lady. Yes, I could smell her dog. He has a runny nose and likes to lick wallpaper glue. I could also tell that this lady was a smoker but not a coffee drinker. She prefered tea - peppermint, I believe. She also had toast for breakfast and spilled a dab Smucker's grape jelly on her pants. I tried to help her by licking away the stain, but she thought I was doing something else.

Anyway, if you ever meet me in Anoka one day after one of my many political speeches, and I bury my muzzle deep into your pantleg, don't worry. I'm only getting to know you better.

Chaffeur

My truck is in the shop, so my driver and I toured around town today in my second vehicle. It's not as fast, but it turns a lot of heads. All I need now is a silkscreen of my face on the side, and I think this will make a fine campaign vehicle.

I'm Not the Only Puker

My favorite campaign aide was sick and stinky today. Normally she works during the days on my campaign, but today her illness forced her to take a day of rest. I decided to put aside the pressing issues of my mayoral bid and keep her company for the day. I find that my presence among the infirm can have a strong regenerative effect, like a splash of cold water on a hot day, and I wanted to offer my assistance. Besides, it was reassuring to know that I'm not the only one who pukes occasionally.

Athleticism

Nande Air Flop

I am many things, but an athlete is not one of them. I admire those dog breeds that can sprint a mile without panting, swim across a lagoon with a stick in their mouth, or leap over low fences.

Sadly, I will never be able to jump up on the couch. But I know I'll always be able to give that sad, convincing look that gets me a free lift. I'll never be able to go for a night-time jog, but I'll always be able to ride in the baby carriage behind my campaign manager when he's out bicycling.

I know my limitations, and I happily accept them.

Cool Drink

Cool Drink

On a hot day like today, there is nothing better than one of your campaign aides pampering to your every need, including hand-spooning water for me. Ah, life on the campaign trail isn't all bad.

Grass

Despite the strong objections of my campaign manager, I love eating grass. The crisp, fresh taste is irresistible. Today, I discovered something even better. On the rare occasion that my campaign manager mows the lawn, I've noticed that little hardened chunks sometimes fall behind him. I decided to inspect on of these. To my utter delight, I found that these chunks are actually compressed balls of grass! I feel like a coffee lover who's had her first cup of espresso!

New Dating Service

I haven't had much luck with my dating service. It's hard meeting eligible dogs with my arduous schedule, so I'm thinking about trying something new. Have any of you had experience with these so called "Meetups?" It sounds awfully suspicious to me - a little too close to "Meat Ups" for my taste. Unless they plan to feed us meat. That would make the meetings doubly fun.

Scandal in the Ugly Dog World

I love technology, especially when it can be used for the good of all, humans and canines alike. Apparently, someone manipulated the voting system for the World's Ugliest Dog Contest and loaded one dog with a lot of votes. Why didn't someone tell me that you could do this? Why spend all this time on the campaign trail when I can just hire a nerdy high school student to get me elected?

With all the free time I'd be saving, I could focus on some of the important issues in my campaign, like truly open access to government buildings, more barbecue restaurants, and officially renaming "Sunday" to "Nutday" in honor of the peanut.

Ice Cream

One of the many skills I have been developing on the campaign trail is what politicians like to call hyperbole. While in Kansas City, I practiced my new skill on my campaign manager. Missouri is hot and makes me pant. Honestly, though, the heat isn't a big deal. I can take it. But I've found that the harder I pant, the slower we walk and more sniff breaks I get to take.

I had heard rumors of a dog-friendly ice cream shop in the Westport area of Kansas City called Murray's. On one long publicity walk in that area, I made a particularly big deal about how hot it was outside. Pant, pant, pant! Occasionally I would look longingly at a patch of shade and sigh. The ploy worked, and I convinced my campaign manager to make a stop at Murray's to buy me a cup of doggie ice cream.

There is nothing like the sweet reward of peanut-flavored frozen soy after a challenging display of histrionics and hyperbole.

BBQ Trade Mission

My apologies for the brief blogging hiatus. I was on an important preliminary trade mission to Kansas City, MO. They have some very tasty barbecue ribs in Kansas City, and I'm hoping to bring them to Anoka. I'm not being unrealistic, though. I know that as a four-legged politician, most restaurants will not permit me entrance, but I don't care. Even licking the fingers of a BBQ joint's patrons is good enough for me! Yum.

Sleep-Esteem

As I've said before, many people when first meeting me ask me if I snore. I used to think this was rude, but now I've come to a higher understanding. These people I meet are hoping that I snore. It will make them feel better about their own sleep-esteem issues to know that there's some dog somewhere that's keeping his owner awake because of his horrible, teeth-rattling snore. I hope then that this clip of my bodyguard Brody can make you feel better.

A Brief Philosophical Musing from a Mayoral Candidate

Bark Softly and Carry a Big Stick

My philosophy is to bark softly and carry a big stick, as you can see.

World's Ugliest Dog

The World's Ugliest Dog contest nears. You can place your votes here. They are all just so ugly, though, I can't decide. It is a much more difficult selection than the Anoka mayoral election will be, don't you think?

The Eye of the Tiger

Raise your paw if you think cats are a little creepy. Even though I'm a tough scrapper, I wouldn't want to cross this kitty in a dark alley. No way. Photos like this make me glad that I have protection.

Helping Anoka

Since dogs aren't allowed into public buildings, such as courthouses and city halls, some elements of my campaign may prove difficult. How can I publicly debate my opponents if they won't let me past security? I don't want a simple thing such as species getting in the way of my campaign, so I'm seeking status as a helper dog. It's one of those crazy loopholes in the state's no dog policy. Apparently, "helper dogs" are permitted in commercial buildings and public spaces.

I shouldn't have any problems with the application process. It's mostly a formality. I'm a very helpful dog. I can sniff out rotten food, alerting others to the dangerous bacteria infecting a potential meal. I'm a ferocious defender of the yard. Also, I look both ways before crossing the street.

An unexpected bonus of being a helper dog is the cool outfit. I look great in blue!

Rapping about the Issues

I think I need to write a rap about my campaign. A hot rap tune would help me mobilize the youth of Anoka, sending them to the polls in record numbers. I could address the important issues with my unique canine spin. I don' t think it's just a coincidence that "Thomas Peterson for Mayor" rhymes with "major political playa."

Bug Snacks

One of the best parts about summer is all of the bugs. There's nothing I like better than sniffing around the house and snacking on ants and spiders. It's like candy on legs. I know, this doesn't have much to do with my political campaign, save for perhaps a suggestion of my stance on the ethical treament of insects, but I think it's important to reveal a few personal details about my life. Now that you know about my affinity for bug snacks, don't you want to vote for me even more?

Touring Anoka

Touring Anoka

It seems I'm not the only dog in Anoka that likes to show off. This little fuzzballl was being escorted past the Anoka County Courthouse on a Saturday night, and all eyes were on him.

I must admit, I was jealous and a little nervous. If he were also running for public office, I might need to increase the fervor of my campaign. But I'm not too worried. This canine looks more like a sheriff than a mayor.

The Revolution Begins

Although I don't officially condone the plans of some of my fellow French Bulldogs, I have to respect their fashion sense. Black on red is such a classy look. Let me be crystal clear, however: I have no plans to take over the world, at least for evil purposes. I only want to be the mayor of Anoka, and I'm not prepared to discuss any future plans.

By the way, if you haven't had a chance to visit The Pure Breed Revolution, I'd highly recommend it, if merely for educational purposes. Humans, know thy enemy.

On Fears

Whoever said, "There's nothing to fear but fear itself" was wrong. I think everyone has a right to one or two irrational fears. Mine are fuzzy slippers and balloons.

Fuzzy Slippers are easy to explain though, so I don't think they count as irrational. How would you feel if you walked into a room and a dark ball of fur was resting on your couch? I'll tell how I felt when I saw a pair of slippers on my living room pillow: freaked out.

Balloons - that's a different story. I can't really explain why balloons creep me out. There's just something suspicious about how they float in the air, slowly rocking back and forth like a cobra's head, ready to strike. No doubt, a balloon would strike at the easiest target, the one lowest to the ground - me. Besides, as a budding politician I never trust anything that's lighter than air.

Public Relations

Public Relations

I visited my fellow Anokans at the weekly River Run car show and posed for many excellent photo opportunities. Here I am with the children of some potential voters. I find it best to charm the young ones. They aren't as concerned about my political positioning and they know right where to scratch.

My Teeth Hurt

Whose cruel idea of a joke was it to leave small food-sized rocks all along the ground outside of restaurants?

A Good Hair Day

My winter coat is finally shedding. You don't know how exhausting it can be to pound the pavement when you're wearing a thick layer of blonde fur. It was impeding my campaign. I considered shaving it all off, but I didn't want to end up looking like this. I don't have anything against dogs that shave, but it's just not my style. I am French, after all.